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What to do if you’re kinky and your partner isn’t

What to do if you’re kinky and your partner isn’t

One of the trickiest things about being a kinky person is finding someone who shares your kinks and is willing to act on them with you. With most of us valuing romantic compatibility over sexual compatibility, it’s all too easy to choose a partner who is perfect for you in almost every way but sexually – but this can cause issues down the road when sexual resentment comes to a head.

If you’ve made it clear that you’re kinky, and your partner has made it clear that they are not, then there is one fundamental question to be answered before you decide what your next steps should be as a couple:

Are they willing to try your kink(s)?

If so:

● Have a detailed conversation with them about what you find appealing about your kink, what types of fantasies you have about it, etc. Emphasize that you don’t expect them to slot perfectly into your pre-existing fantasies, but instead that you hope the two of you can discuss both of your feelings about the kink and figure out some ways that you could play with it together without crossing anyone’s boundaries or making anyone uncomfortable. Would they be willing to try it via phone sex or sexting before attempting it “in real life,” for example? Would they be willing to do it once a month or so, but not once a week?
● Seek out some instructional materials that go into detail about how to act out your kink in a safe and healthy way, especially if you’ve never actually done it with a partner before. Many vanilla people’s apprehensions about doing kink are more about safety concerns and nervousness than any real resistance to kink itself, so it can be helpful to provide good kink information or to encourage them to research your kink themselves.
● You may also want to show your partner some fetish porn featuring your kink. Be sure to tell them which aspects you think are hot and which you don’t, so that this becomes an opportunity for them to learn about how you want to act out this kink, not just how the people on screen do it.
● If and when the two of you try your kink together, be sure to compliment your partner profusely, afterward and perhaps during, on anything they did well. Someone is more likely to repeat/continue an activity if they feel good about how it went the first time.

If not:

● Of course, it’s always an option for you to continue exploring your kink in various solo ways, such as by watching porn or reading erotica that features it, fantasizing about it, or even (if possible) doing it by yourself. Many kinks aren’t safe to do solo (such as breath play) or just physically can’t be done by oneself to oneself (such as tickling), but some can (such as spanking, chastity, or using nipple clamps).
● If you feel that your kink is vital to your life, such that you could never be truly satisfied by a relationship that did not include it, then one option to consider is non-monogamy. If your partner is up for it, you can negotiate the conditions under which you’ll be able to explore your kink with another person, such as a sex worker or someone you meet on a kinky social networking site.
● If your kink is crucial for your happiness and your partner is not willing to meet you halfway by exploring it with you and/or allowing you to explore it with other people, then your best option is likely to end the relationship. Sexual compatibility is a perfectly reasonable thing to want in a partnership, and though it hurts, leaving an unsatisfying relationship can be the first step on your path toward a more sexually fulfilling life.

Have you ever run into sexual compatibility issues with a partner due to their being less kinky (or differently kinky) than you? How did you handle this problem?

katewritesaboutsex

Kate Sloan is a journalist, blogger, podcaster, and educator who has been writing about sex online and in print for over five years. She writes about sex, kink, relationships, fashion, beauty, writing, and mental health. She has been voted a Kinkly.com Sex Blogging Superhero for four years running, and her words reach over 22,000 sex nerds, weirdos and queerdos every month. As a journalist and essayist, Kate has written for Glamour, Teen Vogue, Daily Xtra, the Establishment, Maisonneuve, Herizons, the Plaid Zebra, xoJane, and more.

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