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Masturbating after a breakup: How to get your mojo back

There are many things that are difficult about breakups: dividing your possessions, telling your friends and family, feeling alone. But, as you may well know, sometimes one of the hardest things to do post-breakup is simply to masturbate.

You might find yourself painfully aware, as you touch yourself, that your now-ex was the last person to touch you in this way. You might notice your mind wandering to thoughts that make you sad, thereby extinguishing any arousal you’d managed to build. You might even notice that your sadness has made normally-pleasurable sensations feel lackluster, as if you’re trying to perceive them through a veil. Grief is a strange beast indeed.

But there are ways to work through these issues and rediscover solo pleasure after someone breaks your heart. Here are some tips for healthier, happier post-breakup masturbation…

Set an intention

Do you want this masturbation session to be about reconnecting with your body? Giving your brain a break from stress and sadness? Releasing some much-needed endorphins? Having a sense of your intent can make a masturbation session feel more purposeful and less painful.

Experiment with new techniques

Your “old faithful” methods of getting off might remind you too much of the past at this tender time – so try mixing things up. Look up masturbation techniques online, try something you see in porn, or just do some free-form exploration of your own body to make it feel fully your own again.

Pick up some new toys

Out with the old, in with the new! One of the best ways to rediscover your solo sexuality after a heartbreak is to play with some new sex toys. You’ll learn new things about your body and preferences, and rediscover what pleasure can feel like when unencumbered by your ex. It’s a lovely way to “treat yourself” at a difficult time.

Develop new fantasies

One of the hardest parts of the aftermath of a breakup, sexually speaking, is the way that your go-to sexual fantasies may still center on your ex, bringing up difficult emotions while you’re just trying to feel good. One way to combat this is to fill your brain with other fantasies, by reading erotica or explicit fanfiction, watching porn clips or R-rated movies, reflecting on sexual memories from long ago, or just letting your mind wander where it wants to.

Honor your emotions

Despite your best efforts, it’s still fully possible that masturbating – or even trying to sexually fantasize – may feel like putting salt in the wound of your heartbreak. Getting over grief cannot be a brute-force project – you have to acknowledge and process your feelings in order to move past them. Try journaling, seeing a therapist, talking things out with a trusted friend, exorcizing your demons through exercise, or just having a good long cry once in a while. As they say, “The only way out is through.”

Have you experienced sadness during masturbation after a breakup? How did you deal with it?

katewritesaboutsex

Kate Sloan is a journalist, blogger, podcaster, and educator who has been writing about sex online and in print for over five years. She writes about sex, kink, relationships, fashion, beauty, writing, and mental health. She has been voted a Kinkly.com Sex Blogging Superhero for four years running, and her words reach over 22,000 sex nerds, weirdos and queerdos every month. As a journalist and essayist, Kate has written for Glamour, Teen Vogue, Daily Xtra, the Establishment, Maisonneuve, Herizons, the Plaid Zebra, xoJane, and more.

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