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Let’s Talk About Butts – A First Time Anal FAQ

Let’s Talk About Butts – A First Time Anal FAQ

From the taboo to a tighter fit, to added sensation and more, there are a million reasons to love butt stuff, and just as many questions about it. Here are some answers to the most common questions about butts I’d hear on the floor at the sex shop I worked in.

Isn’t it Dangerous?

It’s true that the tissue of the anus is more fragile than most other orifices, making it more susceptible to tears, and more prone to transmitting STIs, but through proper safer sex practices, these minor risks are easy to mitigate. Anal sex will not, however, increase your risk of incontinence. Just like the vagina, the rectum and anus are designed to stretch to impressive degrees and return to their original size.

 Will it Hurt?

 The thing most people don’t know about butts is that you actually have two sphincters or rings of muscle that seal off the orifice. The one on the outside is the one you can control, tighten, and relax at will. The second is about an inch or so beyond that, and it’s more like the valves of your heart, it does what it wants and it’s kind of an asshole.

When many beginners try anal for the first time, they make it past the first ring and then plow past the second not realizing it’s there, that’s what hurts. Waiting for that sphincter to relax and allow you to push through it is the key to comfortable anal play.

 But What About… The Mess?

 I think a common fear about anal play is that even approaching the butt will unleash a very literal shitstorm, and while I think we’ve all heard horror stories, it’s nowhere near as common as these urban legends would have us believe. Most anal play happens in the rectum, and the rectum is a lot like the foyer of your house – no one is hanging out in there unless they’re waiting to leave. As long as you’ve been having regular bowel movements, the worst you might encounter is some minor residue. If you’re really nervous you can use an enema 2-3 hours before your playdate for extra cleanliness.

 What Do I Need? 

Lube! The rectum does not self lubricate and the lube on your condom is nowhere near enough. Silicone lube will be longer-lasting but feel more oily, whereas a water-based lube will be thicker and offer more cushion (think like the fluid between your joints) but you’ll have to reapply during play. You might also want condoms or gloves. They’re great for safer sex, and I often use them even with partners I’m fluid bonded with because they create a smoother surface (and make it easier to clean up any minor mess).

 How Do I Start?

 As with anything new, I often recommend exploring the first time solo, so there’s no pressure. Start with a finger, or a small butt plug, use lots of lube and just massage the outside of the anus. Once you’re relaxed use the pad of your finger to tip your finger inside, then rest for a moment and let your body get used to the sensation, when the butt is ready it will pull you in. Don’t expect to get from a finger to a penis all in one evening, don’t rush. In fact, I often tell people to take a penis off the table entirely the first one or two times you explore. Give it a few tries, it has a bit of a learning curve, but if it turns out to be something you enjoy, anal play can be like nothing else!


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Bex Caputo is a sex educator, blogger, speaker, podcaster, and dildo peddler. Bex has appeared as a BDSM educator on True Life: I Need Danger Sex, guested on The Bed Post Podcast, Sex Gets Real, and Sex City Radio, is a guest contributor for Swingtowns and Glamour, and has ranked as one of Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Bloggers since 2013.

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