How to talk to your partner about your secret fetish

How to talk to your partner about your secret fetish

It can be profoundly difficult to bring up your secret sexual interests with a partner, especially if your sex life with that person has been decidedly vanilla thus far. But clear communication is the only way to create the sex life of your dreams – so if you want stellar sex, first you’ve got to figure out how to communicate about your fantasies!

Here are some tips for a first-time fetish disclosure:

Bring it up in a roundabout way to gauge interest

There are many ways to do this. “I read an article about [x] the other day; what do you think about that?” “Someone on Twitter was talking about [x] recently; have you ever heard of it?” “I had a dream last night that we were doing [x] together… Isn’t that interesting?”

You don’t actually have to have read the article/seen the tweet/had the dream – the important thing is getting the conversation started. If you bring up your fave fetish and your partner furrows their brow and calls it gross, that’s unfortunate, but at least you dodged a bullet… whereas, if their face lights up at the mention of your secret kink, you’re in luck!

Be calm and casual

If you seem ashamed or terrified of your own kinks, how is a partner supposed to get excited about them? Being kinky is no big deal – it’s quite common, in fact – so you can feel confident bringing up your sexual interests like they’re just another fun thing you want to try together, not all that different from riding a roller coaster or watching a scary movie.

Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list together

Never done a Yes/No/Maybe list? You’re in for a treat! It’s one of the most useful and exciting tools in a kinkster’s toolbox (other than their floggers, rope, and Bondage Kits that is). It’s a low-pressure way for you each to communicate your kinky desires to one another, so you can figure out where they overlap and what you want to try next. Print out this template to fill out together.

Talk about why it’s hot

Particularly for fetishes far-removed from traditional sexuality, vanilla newbies may struggle to understand why a particular fantasy is sexy at all. If they’re receptive to it, tell them about your turn-ons in as much detail as it takes to get across the components of each kink that you find most arousing – and hopefully your partner will understand the appeal, too!

Ask them about their fantasies first

It’s the considerate thing to do, and it’s also a great way to get the ball rolling without putting yourself too far out on a limb right off the bat. Healthy partnerships involve lots of communication and mutual support – and one way you can prove your supportiveness is by helping your partner open up about their kinks, thereby paving the way for you to share yours.

Give them a roadmap

Especially if your partner’s never heard of your kink before, they may not have any clue how to put it into practice. Give them some helpful, detailed info, such as the names you’d like to be called in bed, the implements you’d like to be spanked with, or the feelings you’d like to feel during a particular roleplay (scared? worshipped? punished?). The more they know about your kinks, the less intimidated they’re likely to be at the thought of acting them out with you.

What tips have you found helpful in disclosing your kinky interests to partners?

About author


Kate Sloan is a journalist, blogger, podcaster, and educator who has been writing about sex online and in print for over five years. She writes about sex, kink, relationships, fashion, beauty, writing, and mental health. She has been voted a Sex Blogging Superhero for four years running, and her words reach over 22,000 sex nerds, weirdos and queerdos every month. As a journalist and essayist, Kate has written for Glamour, Teen Vogue, Daily Xtra, the Establishment, Maisonneuve, Herizons, the Plaid Zebra, xoJane, and more.

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