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Do you have to make your sexual fantasies into reality?

Do you have to make your sexual fantasies into reality?

One of the most fun aspects of sex is our ability to turn fantasies into reality. We see something in porn, read about it in erotica or fanfiction, or just conjure it in our delightfully perverse minds, and envision what it would be like to actually try that hot thing for ourselves. And sometimes, when we manage to follow through on those plans, it turns out amazing.

But sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s fine too.

There are many reasons a fantasy might be better off remaining a fantasy, rather than being enacted in your actual sex life, such as:

● It is physically impossible or improbable for you. You can’t exactly get lucky with a centaur in real life, for example, nor can you necessarily maintain an acrobatic sex position for more than a few minutes at a time – and that’s fine, because it can be hot to fantasize about these things regardless.
● It would be too emotionally fraught for you in real life. For example, many of us have, at one time or another, fantasized about having sex with an ex, even if we knew intellectually that we were deeply incompatible with said ex or that seeing them again would be emotionally difficult and potentially even scary. If you’re not sure whether a particular type of sex would be a good idea for you or not, it’s probably best to fantasize about it instead of pursuing it.
● It is morally or legally questionable or outright disallowed. While there is some debate about whether it’s inherently harmful to fantasize about things that would be harmful if done in real life, broadly speaking, thoughts are just thoughts. When given the choice between doing something objectionable and just thinking about doing it – which is almost always a choice that’s within our power to make – why not constrain your misstep to the land of fantasy? (Keep in mind that all sex acts between consenting adults are fine, so it’s worth examining whether your perception that your fantasies are “immoral” is actually based in reality or is just borne from dogmatic shame you picked up from religion, your parents, or anywhere else.)
● You have a suspicion (or even know for sure) that you just wouldn’t find your fantasy as hot if you did it IRL. For instance, maybe you have a lusty crush on your boss, but know deep in your bones that it would just be too messy and stressful if the two of you were to actually hook up. Fantasies are a wonderful way to explore the hottest parts of any possibility without risking the accompanying drawbacks.

However, all of that being said, there are times when just fantasizing about an act doesn’t feel like “enough,” even if you nonetheless know that you don’t want to literally act out your fantasy. Here are some potential compromises you can make, to find that happy medium between all-fantasy and all-reality:

● Talk dirty with your partner about your fantasy – perhaps in the form of a roleplay or a sexting session. This feels much more “real” than just pondering your fantasy privately, even if you’re not actually doing much beyond talking.
Watch porn featuring your fantasy (if you can find some). This can feel more concrete and “real” than just visualizing it.
● Write an erotica story about your fantasy. This can be a great way to “exorcize” a recurring thought from your head by putting in writing – and also, you end up with a hot piece of work you can share with others or even submit to erotica anthologies whose editors have published a call for submissions.

Have you ever had a fantasy you had no intention of acting out? What led you to make that decision?


Kate Sloan is a journalist, blogger, podcaster, and educator who has been writing about sex online and in print for over five years. She writes about sex, kink, relationships, fashion, beauty, writing, and mental health. She has been voted a Sex Blogging Superhero for four years running, and her words reach over 22,000 sex nerds, weirdos and queerdos every month. As a journalist and essayist, Kate has written for Glamour, Teen Vogue, Daily Xtra, the Establishment, Maisonneuve, Herizons, the Plaid Zebra, xoJane, and more.

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